As Father's Day, 2012 approaches, I
realize that I have been a father almost as long as my father was alive. My
father died at 47. I think that people can't
underestimate the affect that has on a young man, to lose his father at the tender age of 20.
I was recently talking to a friend who was saddened about the loss of his dad, who had passed away a few years ago.
I then reminded him that he had his dad 40 years longer than I had. That
was not a consolation prize per se, but putting it in perspective would free him up to
feel how fortunate he was to have had that mentoring and companionship for as
long as he did.
One of the most surreal things that one
can experience is to say good morning to your dad, wish him a good day as he
goes off to work, and 3 hours later he's dead. That's how fast it happened and
how fast his life passed before me. It's been almost 40 years and it still
seems like yesterday. He was a stellar man who had a profound influence on
everyone who came into contact with him. I feel so sad that my two children
never got the opportunity to meet him, to experience him, to know him for the
man he really was.
What am I saying? Well, I think about
my father often because I was so much like him. I had the same temperment, same
disposition, same high I.Q., same love for life and social justice and the same
sense of humor. I also had alot of the same faults. A short temper, quick to
prejudge based on personal pain and intermittent bouts of low self-esteem.
These faults are the ones that are in
my thoughts this Father's Day, 2012. I am trying to learn to be more patience
with my children, to be more present with them and to be less judgmental. I am
learning, as a father, how to accept them as adults, even though in my mind at
times they will always be my little children.
With my son, particularly on this Father's Day, 2012, I am trying be the parent
that I gave up to be the pal that was convenient. A parent has to
balance and more importantly, learn how to balance when to be a parent and when to
be a friend. Where I fell short with my son was being a friend when I should
have been a parent, and being a parent when I should have been a friend. So on
this Father's Day, 2012, I am again learning how to balance that dynamic. Only
the smile and love that comes back from my son will be the the reward for
understanding how that balance has been restored.
I end with a poem I wrote for my father
a few years after his death. It is the name of my soon to be published book of
poetry. The poem is called: Gift From an Untitled Romance:
It
gave me such a feeling
I
can't begin to explain
but
I'll try for you.
Sordid
thoughts
of
a death wish
talking
about frequently
but
it was too frequently
it
seems
because
it became reality.
A
somber reality
because
my mind was surprised
in
the moment
quiet
moment
that
will always be remembered.
Such
sadness
because
he left
without
really saying goodbye. . .
But
the legacy he left
was
one of
unresolved
questions
universal
respect
and
a son
that
took up
right
where
he
left off. . .
Happy Father's Day!
