An Existential Look at Father's Day 2012

As Father's Day, 2012 approaches, I realize that I have been a father almost as long as my father was alive. My father died at 47.  I think that people can't underestimate the affect that has on a young man, to lose his father at the tender age of 20. I was recently talking to a friend who was saddened about the loss of his dad, who had passed away a few years ago. I then reminded him that he had his dad 40 years longer than I had. That was not a consolation prize per se, but putting it in perspective would free him up to feel how fortunate he was to have had that mentoring and companionship for as long as he did.

One of the most surreal things that one can experience is to say good morning to your dad, wish him a good day as he goes off to work, and 3 hours later he's dead. That's how fast it happened and how fast his life passed before me. It's been almost 40 years and it still seems like yesterday. He was a stellar man who had a profound influence on everyone who came into contact with him. I feel so sad that my two children never got the opportunity to meet him, to experience him, to know him for the man he really was.

What am I saying? Well, I think about my father often because I was so much like him. I had the same temperment, same disposition, same high I.Q., same love for life and social justice and the same sense of humor. I also had alot of the same faults. A short temper, quick to prejudge based on personal pain and intermittent bouts of low self-esteem.

These faults are the ones that are in my thoughts this Father's Day, 2012. I am trying to learn to be more patience with my children, to be more present with them and to be less judgmental. I am learning, as a father, how to accept them as adults, even though in my mind at times they will always be my little children.

With my son, particularly on this Father's Day, 2012, I am trying be the parent that I gave up to be the pal that was convenient.  A  parent has to balance and more importantly, learn how to balance when to be a parent and when to be a friend. Where I fell short with my son was being a friend when I should have been a parent, and being a parent when I should have been a friend. So on this Father's Day, 2012, I am again learning how to balance that dynamic. Only the smile and love that comes back from my son will be the the reward for understanding how that balance has been restored.

I end with a poem I wrote for my father a few years after his death. It is the name of my soon to be published book of poetry. The poem is called: Gift From an Untitled Romance:

It gave me such a feeling

I can't begin to explain

but I'll try for you.

Sordid thoughts

of a death wish

talking about frequently

but it was too frequently

it seems

because it became reality.

A somber reality

because my mind was surprised

in the moment

quiet moment

that will always be remembered.

Such sadness

because he left

without really saying goodbye. . .

But the legacy he left

was one of

unresolved questions

universal respect

and a son

that took up

right where

he left off. . .

Happy Father's Day!